I recently had a new reader ask me about courtship and how it works. So here is my attempt to explain not only how it works, but why use this model instead of dating.
Everyone has standards or morals that guide their lives. Some people base these standards on society's ideas of what is acceptable. Some have standards based on thier individual religion. As believers in Christ, we are held to a higher standard than the world or other religions. We are to be in complete obedience to Christ.
Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. 16 For everything in the world--the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does--comes not from the Father but from the world. 17 The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.
1 John 2:15-17 (NIV)
As young adults, we become extremely conscious of those around us. We look for ways to attract the opposite sex. We begin seeking someone to have a relationship with and the world tells us that this is good. They say it is even better to not have a relationship with just one person, but many people. They say things like, "you don't want to 'tie yourself down' while you are young", "you are too young to make a commitment to anyone" or "how will you know if he/she is the 'right one' for you if you haven't dated alot of different people".
Then there is the pressure to have sexual intercourse when dating. Males and females both not only receive pressure from those they are "dating", but also from friends. In many circles, you are not considered popular unless you are sexually active. Peer pressure is overwhelming at times. Many girls and boys both become slaves to the approval of their friends and so give in to peer pressure.
Don't you know that when you offer yourselves to someone to obey him as slaves, you are slaves to the one whom you obey--whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness?
Romans 6:16 (NIV)
Dating is about sex. It may lead to marriage, eventually, but the object of dating is some kind of sexual stimulation or satisfaction.
"You shall not commit adultery. Deut 5:18 (NIV) Adultery is sex outside of marriage. You do not have to be married for this sin to apply.
Dating is not biblical. No where in the bible do you see any dating couples.
This is where biblical courtship comes in. The object of biblical courtship is getting to know someone, in the presence of parents or guardians in order to find a spouse, all in the will of God. In other words, individuals pray, asking God to send them the person he has set apart for them to marry.
God tells children to
"Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you. Ex 20:12 (NIV)
What better way to honor your parents by having them preside over a courtship. Throughout the Bible, we see examples of fathers "giving" their daughters in marriage. This implies that the father is giving permission for their daughters to marry.
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Moses agreed to stay with the man, who gave his daughter Zipporah to Moses in marriage.
Ex 2:21 (NIV)
And Caleb said, "I will give my daughter Acsah in marriage
Josh 15:16 (NIV)
He gave his daughters away in marriage
Judges 12:9 (NIV)
Then Saul gave him his daughter Michal in marriage
1 Sam 18:27 (NIV)
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Courtship works differently for different families. Here is the basics as I understand it. Since it is the man who is to leave the father and mother and the daughter who is given away, courtship will normally take place in the girls house. That is not to say, the girl cannot go to meet the boy's parents.
1. Begin praying for your children's future spouses. Do not wait until the age of courtship to do so.
2. Teach your children about God's plan for their lives. Explain that God already has the perfect person for your child and He knows who it is. Because God already has this all planned out, there is no need for dating different people. Encourage your children as soon as they are old enough to understand, to begin praying for their future spouse.
3. When a potential candidate comes forth, the parents should take the time to explain to him about courtship and why you choose this over dating. Many parents interview the candidate to find out about their relationship with Christ, their intentions and just more general information about the boy. Father's will usually take this responsibility.
4. If the boy receives the parents blessing, the courtship will begin. The couple will get to know each other in the presence of the family or a trusted chaperone. This does not mean that an adult has to be in the room at all times but the couple should remain in family rooms where anyone could come in at any time. The couple does not go anywhere in a car unless accompanied by a chaperone.(Double dates do not count as chaperoned although a responsible older married couple may chaperone).
5. If and when the couple feels led to marry, the boy will ask the father's blessing. A parent's counsel can be invaluable when guidance is given after much prayer and consideration.
Each family should prayerfully ask God's guidance in setting guidelines for the courting relationships of their daughters.
Blessed are they whose ways are blameless,
who walk according to the law of the LORD.
2 Blessed are they who keep his statutes
and seek him with all their heart.
3 They do nothing wrong;
they walk in his ways.
4 You have laid down precepts
that are to be fully obeyed.
Psalms 119:1-4 (NIV)
In His Service,
Angela
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